love is retarded

I haven't been a lover in quite some time. Yes, I've had boyfriends and yes I did love them, but it's not the same love that I used to know, the love that you dive into blindly and drown yourself in. The love I feel now is more mental; my eyes are clearly open.

I am not thinking that every guy i meet will be the one, in fact, it's mostly the opposite. and when i do meet someone that I "love" i am analyzing our relationship. Can we be together forever? When I see doubt, my being just seems to push them away, give up.

I'm not sure which way to love is better. I think i need to find a medium, but I can't force myself to feel something i don't feel.

Right now, I've kinda, not given up, but put the thought of love aside. I don't want it. I don't want someone to woo me, control me. I don't want to be someone's life. I surely don't want to share a life, and that's my main problem. I like things done my way and i don't care about other people's plans.

Some say that you should look for marriage later on in life, but I’ve always been taught to grab it before your chance goes away.

Now, I just don't care. I could marry if I wanted to, and i think knowing that gives me enough satisfaction. I think I need someone with the same mentality as me. I don't want to live with my lover. I want to marry my friend.

Just thinking on paper.

goodnight.

losing myself

I have lost myself and I'm just broken in peices right now. I guess partof it is that I've just finished high school and I'm starting a whole new adventure and I'm not really sure how to go about doing this.

I don't know if I should just live here with my dad and save money, that was the original plan, or if I should go off and start a new life while I'm still young and what-not. I haven't been myself and its kind of like those awkward middle-school-years when you do all these different things, get into a bunch of different stuff to try to discover yourself. I'm doing the same thing.

I've stopped playing piano like I used to. I now play in a more simple manner and just have fun with it, and it gives me joy, but it's not the same joy and I don't feel as accomplished, but idk. And I've been writing still, and I feel like my story is becoming significantly better, so that's good, but right now, I can't seem to pull everything together... I write before I think, so this blog is going all over the place. I've also started doing something that I've never done. Shop. and I'm not talking about getting a shirt or two every month, which even that is more than what I used to do, but I'm talking about, if i have money, I spend it. It's bad, I know. I honestly have no idea what is wrong with me. I've just become restless, careless, pretty much insane.

Well, just thought I'd document this so I can look back and see how this has gotten me to point B, C, D and all the above. This is deffinately a turning point... I'm scared to find out where this road goes.

P.S. I'm too lazy to edit this. =P

The power of the little things

Magic and dreams I’m so close to reaching that I can taste them and not only that, but savor them: that was my history, and I forgot that until now. It’s funny, you know, how old songs take you back to the place, to the person you used to be when you were the person who loved that song. It is almost like a time capsule; you start to remember parts of your past (both good and bad) that you seemed to forget or hide underneath stacks and stacks of timeline.

In my case, I left that person who I was and forgot about their life because I unmasked what I thought was love and happiness. I couldn’t handle realizing that the world is cruel and dark and it’s never going to get better no matter how many times I try to create my reality world. I couldn’t stand it when I saw the truth. So, I destroyed my whole life and everything around it. In time, I forgot about that world.

Ironically, I look back at that time of my life, and I wish I was there again. I wish that I was back in those shadows, kissing demons, and smiling a naïve, innocent smile while I am being abused. Why do I miss that so much? Because that was before this. This is the aftermath, and it is the complete opposite of the storm.

Well, the demons are still there, but they aren’t the same. I am older and can see through their lies. I can’t get lost in imaginary love. I can’t even imagine myself with anyone forever. So, I stay to myself, rebuke the devil, and turn everyone into a villain.

What I want is to have is that chance to love. I want to be young and in pain because it is much better than being an adult who can’t feel.

All these thoughts, emotions, tears, inspirations hit me just from an unrelated song that I used to listen to back in the day. It just proves that every little thing is significant, and my story just proves that you need to savor every moment (good or bad) because you never know what’s next.

Try this: go through some old music of yours, find a song that you used to love, listen to it, and see if it opens a window to your own past.

Fire, Fire, Fire

Ireland was a great experience, and it was good to have a vacation, but I was looking forward to being home. I was losing my mind being without the comfort of my home and routines... and I was full of stress about things that I haven't been doing. I'm not a good vacationer.

Well, fire came into my world and started taking even more time away. All day yesterday I was at the airport in Chicago because my next flight was already 5 hrs after my landing, and then delay after delay. Thursday was wasted as it ran into the next day.

Friday.
We left the cats here alone for two weeks... the house became destroyed. We cleaned it up, unpacked quickly. Then, I got a new job, destruction of a little extra free time, but it was money which would add up to more time to write in the long run. Things were looking pretty good and I was getting everything back to normal. Then, fire. Literally.

Fire came into the neighborhood and we had to evacuate. We packed up what we just unpacked and we went to the local Target to find out what to do next. While this was going on I managed to break the washer and my dad scrapped his truck. Also, we had to bring the cats with us, so my car is now full of fur due to the kitties' stress of being in the car. And of course, this all happened when I was supposed to be getting ready for my first day of my new job. Well, turns out they had the fire under control and we went back and had to unpack and clean again.

I don't know when peace will be restored, but it needs to happen soon. I need to get back on track with writing. I need to finish Poison for once and for all, I need to perfect my short story, and I need to organize my thoughts so that I can work on new literature.

Somebody, please help put the fire out.

another project to add to the list

I am so excited about this new novel I am working on. I am still working with Poison and my short story, Patient: Michael K. Peters, but this new novel I am working on is also on my list of things to work on.

I am taking this story a lot slower than most things I write. It has been two days and I’ve only written 4 paragraphs. This is a new process of writing that I am trying out. I already wrote a timeline and I’m still working on characterization, themes, and all that good stuff. But as for writing, I write a paragraph and then I read it over and fix things as I read until I read the paragraph 3 times by itself and 3 times with the paragraph before it and don’t stop to make a single change.

I think this is helping me become a better writer. I don’t think that there is a perfect process to writing, but I like and want to try writing in new ways. It exercises different parts of my writing skills.

That is about all I want to say about my novel. I am too proud of what I have accomplished that I cannot risk letting the story fall into another’s hands so I can’t really give anything away. But I can say that this novel ties into Poison. I want all of my novels to be placed into the world I am creating inside of my mind. The stories don’t even tie other then the fact that they happen in the same universe. This is how real life is, and I want that aspect to be a part of my writings.

Well, wish me luck.

Love ya’ll,

Luke-Dakota Massey

Graduation

As much as I hate to, I have to talk about it. Where should I start?

I never cared about graduation; never have and never will, but it does affect me... and it doesn't help that graduation was right by my 19th birthday.

Now I feel like an adult. I wish I could have turned into peter pan and stayed a kid forever. I knew it was coming, but i tried to pretend that it wasn't. I didn't want to be a big kid... at least not now. I planned on having my dreams closer to fulfillment than this. I wanted to have one CD out and have my first novel completely finished. I gave up on becoming a musician, but my novel... is not where I wanted it to be; close, but not there yet.

So I guess that is a disappointment. Also, when i turned 18, i thought everything was over. any goal of having the life I wanted was dead because I was 18 and in those 18 years i have accomplished nothing with significance. I was just too much of myself to be who i wanted to be. Now, I’m 19 and although I own more hope, thanks to a 12th grade English teacher, I feel even more down. one more year and I'll be twenty and once I'm twenty, I feel like my only dating life will be like one of those sickening reality shows... and that is if I even decide to have one.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been doing a lot… but not a big enough percentage of what I have been doing has been to help myself reach my goals.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I tried to not waste my time with "normal" teenage "necessities", I still feel like I’ve wasted too much time on living. Time is short; we cannot afford to ignore that fact.

Fair thee well, nymph. (Quote from “a mid-summer night’s dream”….because I’m ridiculous)

Note to self: Relax

So, I just wrote a loooong post and it was very therapeutic and I think it actually said a lot about me... but because i wrote it to release some of my feelings, I felt kind of drained after writing it and wasn't thinking straight. So, when i tried to post it, i pressed a wrong button and deleted it all =[ it was very upsetting.

i'm not going to vent again. I just want to say relax and don't worry because in the end it doesn't matter what castles fall or what kingdoms are built because you and all of your belongings will be dust.

Relax and just prepare yourself to live and to die. Life here on earth is just a small moment of our lives so don't stress over it.

Good night.

Graduation's a-comin'...

...and I'm not all that excited about it. I'm mainly just excited to get a break from school, but I’m going right into college during the summer. That's why i don't see the point of getting excited; it's basically just like any other year except I’ll be going to a new school. I plan on getting my Bach in English and after, my masters in education. I want to be an English Teacher =]

I was thinking yesterday about how people should get married early before they start their own life because it's hard to bring a new life into a life you already have. It's much easier to just create a life with someone from the start. I think that is why I don't do well with having a boyfriend. I know where I'm going and how I'm going to get there so I don't have the patience to wait for people to find out what they want or to try and make my plans include them.

Anyway, it's just a thought. Now, i have to finish my Theatre final. Wish me luck, bye.

Ramblings on Experiences

About 5 seconds ago, I read a blog from my English teacher. She talked about our project. It was a project where we had two find two songs that define us and do a presentation. It was intense and everybody was crying, and it was just spectacular to have a window into these people's lives.

I struggle with a lot, but i don't talk about my hardships. I feel like lingering on the bad will get you nowhere. For my presentation, I chose "Drown You Out" by Crossfade because I've gone through shit and I've made it out with a whole new attitude. I am who I am because of what I have gone through. I pray that God puts me through so much shit so that I can relate to everyone. I want pain to make me into a better writer who has seen enough things in his life that I can open up other's eyes to true hardships that people face every day.

My only problem with this idea is that I cannot go into detail about what has happened. I've tried and tried to cut open my shell and let pages soak in my own blood, but I feel like I can never do it justice. Perhaps it will come to me later in life, but for now, I write about the small things I’ve experienced like hopelessness in ever finding love, the life of drugs, prostitutes, and drug dealers, loneliness, depression, but things that go much deeper into how I feel, how I saw things, I can't seem to get all my feelings right and placed into an organized tale. I will keep trying though. Wish me luck.

in the merry, merry month of may

So, I finally have a chance to get on here and make a post. Well, things have been busy. The school year is coming to an end and work has just been chaotic. I started writing a short story for a writing contest. I need to make some corrections and after that, i plan on writing another one for the contest. The contest isn't until July. So, i have plenty of time to make sure that each short story is perfect. I plan on writing three so that I have a better chance at winning. I'm going to use the money for college. The prise isn't that much (about $300) but money is money. anything I can get will be helpful. wish me luck.

On another note, I'm excited to go to ireland this summer. I was just looking at the places that I'm going to visit when I'm there. The sites are amazing. i can't wait to expierience it first-hand.

Well, That's it for now. Off to school I go.

I know I've posted today but...

Here's another.

I am absolutly inspired by Angus and Julia Stone. I've heard their music for the first time today and at first I found it odd, but I'm in this wierd 60's music faze and these peeps sure sound 60s. It is absolutly numbing to listen them. I can feel emotions in their silences between notes. This feeling is something which my common speech has no vocabulary for.

I've been listening to "I'm not yours" all day. I can really relate to the song. and it inspired me to write a song myself. I used to write songs a lot and I'm just now getting back into it. I have all the lyrics written and I have the intro and first verse piano and voice done. I'm so excited. =] I'll share the lyrics on here when I'm done writing the song.

As for poison, I'm procrastinating. All of the proofreading marks are sitting there waiting to be used. Perhaps I will start tomorrow morning. Evenings are about to become way too busy to do anything.

I currently have two jobs as well as school. Production week is next week. I don't get paid for this show, but it is very demanding. I will be at practice all day everyday until the show is over. Once again, wish me luck.

Thank you all who read.
Love you. Good night.

Weekends are great

So this weekend, I finished proofreading Poison. It's getting there. I plan on making corrections this week and hopfully finish by the end of May. After that, I will print out another copy and ask a few people to read it and I'll give them questions at the end to see what I have to fix. I'll fix them and then I should be done. I don't know if I should start trying to get it published right away or wait until I get my bachelors in English first so that I can use my full potential. I'm leaning toward the latter.

Well, I got my very-first-friend's e-mail. I e-mailed him, but there's no telling what will happen. I haven't talked to him since before kindergarden, but who knows. I can tell you though, I feel terrified. I'm basically talking to a stranger, and I'm a very shy person as it is. Part of me even wishes that he doesn't respond just so I don't have to write back. I don't know. We'll see what happens.

Wish me Luck.

Bye.

The Other

The Other

Can I call you another,

With arms stretched out?

Forget that evil is in your spit,

And demons crawl about?

Can I call you the other,

Who has stayed frozen

In sacred, blissful lands

Too good to lay open?

You, dear, are lost in you.

In thresholds covered up;

Brick after harder stone.

I can’t seem to reveal us.

This tragedy is eternal.

I can by no means read on.

So I leave you behind,

And my love flies upon.          

Goodbye sweet history.

I find you not a lover.

Today I look to swords;

Find you in another.

-Luke-Dakota Massey

Learn from my Mistakes

Fellow writers, this post is written for you as a warning.

There are many ways to start a book, you can sit down and decide to tell a story, you can be inspired by something like a dream, another book (fan fiction), an event in your life or someone else's life and decide to write from that, you can also just free write and see what happens.

To be honest, I had no intent on writing Poison, and i certainly didn't think that I would get this serious about it... Here's the story of how Poison started...

I had lunch detention for ditching class. The detention teacher told me that I could either work on homework from another class or do the assignment on the board, I chose neither. Instead, I just sat down and started free writing a monologue.

I did one scene in Poison and thought that it was amazing. I named it, The Cult, and the next day (after proof reading) I showed my friends and they loved it. From that point, I rewrote the monologue, and added and eventually came up with a direction to take my story, but because I wasn't 100% sure of what I wanted, I ran into a few problems that I am paying for now.

1. I've switched between first and third person, so now it makes proofreading difficult and it causes me to take out some parts and then re-add them without the original effect

2. Now that the complete story is done and I know exactly where everthing is going, I have to eliminate the roads that started to lead somewhere, but never got there.

3. Symbolism and certain ideas are only shown is small parts. The ideas should be present through the whole book.

So now I have to pay attention to these things in addition to the norm. My advice to anyone who finds himself writing a book is, before you get too far, get your ideas straightened out and then start rewriting from the very beginning. I wish I would have. Luckily, I'm almost halfway done with the proofreading. Wish me luck.

The Last Saint

The Last Saint

Where have all the saints gone?

All I find here is smoke and white rocks.

It's lonely being the only one who's able to breathe.

All the others are drowning in the sea;

I am left to live healthy and all alone,

Stranded on my personal island.

The smoke lifts from the unknown,

And stones wash onto my home.

I own doubt in all my morals.

The demons are taking me over.

Love is in the water, far beneath the deep.

Inhale and hold, I can no longer breathe.

-Luke-Dakota Massey

Frozen and Obesessed

I'm still working on Poison, it's still quite a ways away from being perfect, but it's a hell lot closer than it was. I just tell myself to keep on swimming, but criticism from myself is killing me. I just try to ignore the thoughts in my head telling me that I should give up; play it safe and stop now before it's too late, but in reality, I can't. Giving up and throwing it all away will be far more painful than never getting it to the point of perfection. Writing is a painful art.

Anyway, what is going on in my life is sending butterflies into my stomach.
1. Finishing High School (spring’s end)
2. becoming a lot more serious about Poison (obsessing over my crazy ideas)
3. My Boyfriend and how long will I keep the distance between us (John and whether or not we can make it)
4. My ex and the temptation to go to him (the poison that keeps tempting me)
5. College (the new world) and
6. A long, lost, first friend (Liideui)

The words in parentheses are references to Poison... I have entered the world of obsession.

So, as you can see, I could blog and blog and blog about all of these things going on in my life, but it would be pointless, it wouldn't ease my worry, it will just make them bigger. All of these subjects lead to questions anyway. I can write about them when answers arrive, and I will.

But for now I'm stuck in my own little world and I'm going insane. Too many things are on my mind. I just want them all gone. Poison is a big distraction for me, but it makes me crazy in a different way. I am obsessing more than I have in a long time. I'm afraid to let it go.

I'm going mad.

Day 2: Circles

Revisions after revisions. I knew that I would have to revise, but it seems as if I never revise enough.

So I have rewritten most of my book several times, but after each time I would write some more and then revise when I read it over again. I'm pretty sure that I have rewritten the first chapter (Not the prologue which came into existence much later than the first chapter) about 50 times and honestly, I think that I went a bit over board and I am thinking that I should undo some revisions.

Anyway, I revised Book 3, chapter 1 yesterday and I read it today in school... I have about as many marking on my paper as I did the first time. I think that the marks are quite valid this time, but I wonder if I'll ever be completely satisfied with my work.

I guess for now I am going to work on the first three chapters in Book 3 until I find them equal to book one, chapter one aka my favorite chapter =]

Wish me luck.

Reality: grasping a hold of my path

I am an 18-year-old senior in high school and now is the time when I need to focus of the path necessary to reach my goal. I have finally finished the "final" first draft of my novel, currently titled, Poison. I have been taking notes on what I still need to add to my story or what I need to rewrite, reword, rephrase until I am 100% satisfied with my novel.

Today, I went into my English class early because I was feeling a bit antisocial. I started to jot down some notes in my note book when my English teacher asked me what I was doing. Her thought was that I was writing poetry (I was in The Dead Poets Society with her the year before) I was embarrassed, but I explained what I was doing; it was the best mistake I have ever made.

Being a writer who is currently struggling with publishing, she gave me some advise and some warning, She gave me a web site to look into for when I am ready to find an agent and she warned me that the road she is on right now is a rocky road. I knew all of this before, but hearing it from her made my worry double, but I see it as surgery; I must undergo exposing myself and feeling pain so that I can grow and become better than I was. It is a price I must pay if I want to live with my full potential.

She has helped give me confidence, she believes in me. I am motivated to work harder on my book now and yes I know it will be a sickening journey to publication, but I am not alone.