I haven't been a lover in quite some time. Yes, I've had boyfriends and yes I did love them, but it's not the same love that I used to know, the love that you dive into blindly and drown yourself in. The love I feel now is more mental; my eyes are clearly open.
I am not thinking that every guy i meet will be the one, in fact, it's mostly the opposite. and when i do meet someone that I "love" i am analyzing our relationship. Can we be together forever? When I see doubt, my being just seems to push them away, give up.
I'm not sure which way to love is better. I think i need to find a medium, but I can't force myself to feel something i don't feel.
Right now, I've kinda, not given up, but put the thought of love aside. I don't want it. I don't want someone to woo me, control me. I don't want to be someone's life. I surely don't want to share a life, and that's my main problem. I like things done my way and i don't care about other people's plans.
Some say that you should look for marriage later on in life, but I’ve always been taught to grab it before your chance goes away.
Now, I just don't care. I could marry if I wanted to, and i think knowing that gives me enough satisfaction. I think I need someone with the same mentality as me. I don't want to live with my lover. I want to marry my friend.
Just thinking on paper.