I have lost myself and I'm just broken in peices right now. I guess partof it is that I've just finished high school and I'm starting a whole new adventure and I'm not really sure how to go about doing this.
I don't know if I should just live here with my dad and save money, that was the original plan, or if I should go off and start a new life while I'm still young and what-not. I haven't been myself and its kind of like those awkward middle-school-years when you do all these different things, get into a bunch of different stuff to try to discover yourself. I'm doing the same thing.
I've stopped playing piano like I used to. I now play in a more simple manner and just have fun with it, and it gives me joy, but it's not the same joy and I don't feel as accomplished, but idk. And I've been writing still, and I feel like my story is becoming significantly better, so that's good, but right now, I can't seem to pull everything together... I write before I think, so this blog is going all over the place. I've also started doing something that I've never done. Shop. and I'm not talking about getting a shirt or two every month, which even that is more than what I used to do, but I'm talking about, if i have money, I spend it. It's bad, I know. I honestly have no idea what is wrong with me. I've just become restless, careless, pretty much insane.
Well, just thought I'd document this so I can look back and see how this has gotten me to point B, C, D and all the above. This is deffinately a turning point... I'm scared to find out where this road goes.
P.S. I'm too lazy to edit this. =P
Friday, July 22, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Magic and dreams I’m so close to reaching that I can taste them and not only that, but savor them: that was my history, and I forgot that until now. It’s funny, you know, how old songs take you back to the place, to the person you used to be when you were the person who loved that song. It is almost like a time capsule; you start to remember parts of your past (both good and bad) that you seemed to forget or hide underneath stacks and stacks of timeline.
In my case, I left that person who I was and forgot about their life because I unmasked what I thought was love and happiness. I couldn’t handle realizing that the world is cruel and dark and it’s never going to get better no matter how many times I try to create my reality world. I couldn’t stand it when I saw the truth. So, I destroyed my whole life and everything around it. In time, I forgot about that world.
Ironically, I look back at that time of my life, and I wish I was there again. I wish that I was back in those shadows, kissing demons, and smiling a naïve, innocent smile while I am being abused. Why do I miss that so much? Because that was before this. This is the aftermath, and it is the complete opposite of the storm.
Well, the demons are still there, but they aren’t the same. I am older and can see through their lies. I can’t get lost in imaginary love. I can’t even imagine myself with anyone forever. So, I stay to myself, rebuke the devil, and turn everyone into a villain.
What I want is to have is that chance to love. I want to be young and in pain because it is much better than being an adult who can’t feel.
All these thoughts, emotions, tears, inspirations hit me just from an unrelated song that I used to listen to back in the day. It just proves that every little thing is significant, and my story just proves that you need to savor every moment (good or bad) because you never know what’s next.
Try this: go through some old music of yours, find a song that you used to love, listen to it, and see if it opens a window to your own past.