Ramblings on Experiences

About 5 seconds ago, I read a blog from my English teacher. She talked about our project. It was a project where we had two find two songs that define us and do a presentation. It was intense and everybody was crying, and it was just spectacular to have a window into these people's lives.

I struggle with a lot, but i don't talk about my hardships. I feel like lingering on the bad will get you nowhere. For my presentation, I chose "Drown You Out" by Crossfade because I've gone through shit and I've made it out with a whole new attitude. I am who I am because of what I have gone through. I pray that God puts me through so much shit so that I can relate to everyone. I want pain to make me into a better writer who has seen enough things in his life that I can open up other's eyes to true hardships that people face every day.

My only problem with this idea is that I cannot go into detail about what has happened. I've tried and tried to cut open my shell and let pages soak in my own blood, but I feel like I can never do it justice. Perhaps it will come to me later in life, but for now, I write about the small things I’ve experienced like hopelessness in ever finding love, the life of drugs, prostitutes, and drug dealers, loneliness, depression, but things that go much deeper into how I feel, how I saw things, I can't seem to get all my feelings right and placed into an organized tale. I will keep trying though. Wish me luck.

Frozen and Obesessed

I'm still working on Poison, it's still quite a ways away from being perfect, but it's a hell lot closer than it was. I just tell myself to keep on swimming, but criticism from myself is killing me. I just try to ignore the thoughts in my head telling me that I should give up; play it safe and stop now before it's too late, but in reality, I can't. Giving up and throwing it all away will be far more painful than never getting it to the point of perfection. Writing is a painful art.

Anyway, what is going on in my life is sending butterflies into my stomach.
1. Finishing High School (spring’s end)
2. becoming a lot more serious about Poison (obsessing over my crazy ideas)
3. My Boyfriend and how long will I keep the distance between us (John and whether or not we can make it)
4. My ex and the temptation to go to him (the poison that keeps tempting me)
5. College (the new world) and
6. A long, lost, first friend (Liideui)

The words in parentheses are references to Poison... I have entered the world of obsession.

So, as you can see, I could blog and blog and blog about all of these things going on in my life, but it would be pointless, it wouldn't ease my worry, it will just make them bigger. All of these subjects lead to questions anyway. I can write about them when answers arrive, and I will.

But for now I'm stuck in my own little world and I'm going insane. Too many things are on my mind. I just want them all gone. Poison is a big distraction for me, but it makes me crazy in a different way. I am obsessing more than I have in a long time. I'm afraid to let it go.

I'm going mad.

Reality: grasping a hold of my path

I am an 18-year-old senior in high school and now is the time when I need to focus of the path necessary to reach my goal. I have finally finished the "final" first draft of my novel, currently titled, Poison. I have been taking notes on what I still need to add to my story or what I need to rewrite, reword, rephrase until I am 100% satisfied with my novel.

Today, I went into my English class early because I was feeling a bit antisocial. I started to jot down some notes in my note book when my English teacher asked me what I was doing. Her thought was that I was writing poetry (I was in The Dead Poets Society with her the year before) I was embarrassed, but I explained what I was doing; it was the best mistake I have ever made.

Being a writer who is currently struggling with publishing, she gave me some advise and some warning, She gave me a web site to look into for when I am ready to find an agent and she warned me that the road she is on right now is a rocky road. I knew all of this before, but hearing it from her made my worry double, but I see it as surgery; I must undergo exposing myself and feeling pain so that I can grow and become better than I was. It is a price I must pay if I want to live with my full potential.

She has helped give me confidence, she believes in me. I am motivated to work harder on my book now and yes I know it will be a sickening journey to publication, but I am not alone.